


Weakness is Shown in Many Ways

by MagmaWolf (orphan_account)



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Blood, College, Depression, Hurt and comfort, Lams - Freeform, M/M, Modern AU, Self Harm, Suicide Attempt, this is dark... be warned
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-02-02
Updated: 2018-05-07
Packaged: 2019-03-12 12:20:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,379
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13547205
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/MagmaWolf
Summary: Overworked, Alex didn't realized John has been missing all night. It isn't until he notices the blood in the bathroom does he know something is wrong. Very wrong. John is the happiest one in the group... Why would he do this?(Be warned... This is an extremely dark fic)





	1. Plan A

Alex typed away at his computer. With a satisfied grin he finished the final sentence of a two thousand word essay for Washington's class. He let a yawn slip from his mouth as he noticed the time. 2:30AM. Groaning, he decided it was due time to rest so he decided to call it a night. Well, rather a morning. He slumped down on his bed and immediately collapsed into a deep sleep. Not even realising his boyfriend seemed to be elsewhere.

 

It was around 10:30 by the time he woke up. Rubbing the sleep out of his eyes he looked around the dorm. It was silent and empty. Alex sighed and walked towards the bathroom, gently knocking on the door. “Hey Jacky, get out of the-”

 

The door gently creaked open in response to his knock. John wasn't inside, but Alex didn’t seem to think much of it. Afterall, he usually liked to walk on Saturday mornings. So he continued to open the door. Yet as soon as light filled the room Alex stumbled back, a harsh gasp escaped his lips as he saw inside..

 

\--------------------

 

John stared at the sky. He sat with his legs dangling off the edge of the roof. He didn't plan on dying this way. The two vertical gashes on his arms showed his original plan. He tried at midnight. Tried bleeding out. He'd always heard that was the most peaceful way to die. But he woke up hours later. Weak and coated with blood.

 

He would've stayed there till he died. But one thought creeped into his mind. Alex. All he could picture was Alex opening the door to his body. How would he handle that? So he decided a plan B. And with that he weakly climbed up the stairs to the roof of the dorm building, where he sat on the ledge for hours. Just thinking and waiting for the perfect moment.

 

\--------------------

 

Gilbert’s phone rang with an obnoxious pop song. Sharing the dorm with the frenchman, Hercules groaned “Dude, you have to change that ringtone!” “Non mon ami! It’s my favorite!” He chuckled and continued cooking breakfast for them both. He ignored the ring and sang along to the song, butchering it with his thick accent. The phone rang once more and Herc sighed, grabbing it and tossing it to him. “Alright I don’t think I can handle this song anymore, just answer it!” “D'accord! Okay! It’s just Alexander!”

 

GIlbert sighed, answering the phone with one hand, and cooking eggs with the other. “Alexandre! How are you?” He spoke with his usual peppy voice that could make any day better!

 

Except today.

 

The first thing he heard was muffled sobs. Turning to dead serious in a second he ignored the food and focused everything on this call. “Alex? What happened?”

 

He heard heaved breathing, almost as if Alex couldn’t form the words. “J-John…. “

 

“......What-?” His mind began racing with possibilities. A car crash? Did they break up? Is he at the hospital?

 

“Blood… There’s so… There’s so much blood-” Alex sounded faint.

 

Laf began to shake. How could he respond to that? It was so vague yet it led to a million thoughts in his head about what could’ve happened. All he could mutter was “W-Where?!”

 

“...Dorm… My dorm-”

 

GIlbert didn’t respond, didn’t even hang up the phone. All he did was grab his roomate by the wrist and pull him out to the hall. Herc immediately knew something was wrong the second he saw the tall man’s voice lose its happy tone. But now curiosity and panic were washing over him.

 

“What’s going on?!”

 

He didn’t get an answer. They just rushed up the stairs and to the room Alex and John shared. Laf knocked on the door as fast as possible. After only a few seconds of waiting he decided to try the door knob. It was unlocked.

 

The two burst through the doors. Only to see Alex staring at something in the bathroom. He didn’t even turn to look at them.

 

“Gone… He’s.. He’s gone…-” He spoke with ragged breathing as he slowly pointed to the bathroom.

 

Herc wasted no time. He walked straight over and looked inside the room. Only to stumble back, covering his mouth as he rushed to a trash can to vomit. This sight alone made Gilbert want to pass out. Yet he knew he had to look inside.

 

He braced himself for the worst. Was John dead? His anxious thoughts raced through his head over and over, getting worse with every step he took. Tears already started to roll down his face as he approached the dreaded room.

 

One look was all it took for him to fall straight on his back, unconscious.

 

The good news was John’s dead body wasn’t in the room… The bad news was the fact that his blood was smeared across the tiles... There was only one thing that was faintly visible in the mess. The reflection of a razor. One dulled from its use.

This wasn’t an attack or attempted murder

 

This was John’s _plan A._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is actually my first published fanfic, so it means the world that you read it! I'm eager to start writing more often, so hopefully this is a good start! I can't begin to tell you how anxious I am about posting this... The next chapter should be out within the next few days!


	2. Gone

Gilbert groaned. His head throbbed and his entire back felt sore. As soon as the ringing in his ears faded he heard the familiar voice of Hercules talking to someone on the phone. Why did he sound so shaken up?

“We need an ambulance… There's blood everywhere! We just-... yeah at king’s college… Well we don't know where he is we just know that he's hurt… We… we think it was a suicide attempt… His name… it's… it’s John Laurens-”

Laf sat up, instantly remember everything that happened prior. He started to shake as looked around the dorm.

As he thought; Herc was on the phone, presumably talking to 911. Meanwhile Alex was pacing the floor, holding the side of his head and muttering to himself. He only stopped when he noticed Laf.

“You’re awake!-”

“H-How long was I-”

“-Only a few minutes-”

He slowly walked over and helped him stand. “Are you ok-”

“ça n'a pas d'importance! Where is John?!”

He nodded slightly, as his eyes watered. “We don't know! But we have to find him! We have to find him!” Tears began to fall despite his effort to stay strong.

Laf took it among himself to immediately hug the small man. Letting Alex break down, he started to sob as well.

“It.. it's my fault!! He did this because of me-!! And… and he's… he's probably dead!! Just like everyone… everyone dies-!!” He almost shouted, at this point he didn't care who heard. Didn't care if he was letting his rational thoughts go. He just wanted his boyfriend back. "How.... How could I let this happen?! How could I let him die-!"

“HEY-!” Mulligan’s voice rang out. “We don't know if he's dead or not-! And we are NOT going to give up on him until we know what happened!” He placed the phone down and walked to them. “An ambulance is on the way right now, but they won’t be of any use if John isn’t here.”

Alex wiped his eyes and nodded “Y-You’re right…” He stepped back and tried gathering his thoughts. "....I'm sorry I never should've-"

"First of all... Just stop blaming yourself okay? It wasn't your fault." He sighed and glanced at the other two, who still had tears flowing down their faces. "Second... We have to try to keep it together. At least until we find out what happened to him-" Alex nodded slightly as Laf whimpered. "And third-" Herc nervously glanced at the darkened bathroom “...What happened last night?”

Hamilton sighed and tried remember. “It was normal… Everything was normal…”

  
  


_“Hey ‘lex?”_

_“Yeah Jacky?”_

_Alex was typing at his desk. It was already 10PM but he refused to stop until the entire essay was completed._

_“Oh… I.. uh didn't realize you were working- I’ll just leave you to it then-” He rubbed the sleeves of his hoodie and began walking to his dorm._

_“Wait, what were you going to say?”  Alex froze his work for a second, but then continued. It was odd for John to drop a conversation so quickly._

_“I just… I just thought we could hang-out tonight…-”_

_“I can’t tonight. This hell of an essay needs to be finished by next week and I need to start it now if I actually want to revise it. But, if I finish tonight we could go to the park tomorrow morning! Does that sound good? It’s right next to that one coffee place too! So I could just-”_

_“I have plans tomorrow-” He interrupted. His voice sounded dead serious, it was so out of character for him that even Alex glanced up from his work._

_“John? Is everything okay? Is there a funeral tomorrow or something?”_

_“Huh-? No... -” The freckled man faked a smile “I just have something to do… and besides; You definitely don’t need any more coffee.”_

_“Hey!” Alex resumed his work. “I ALWAYS need coffee!”_

_John let out a slight chuckle as he looked to the ground. “Well… I'd better get to sleep…” He made his way to the dorm and glanced back at his boyfriend once more “Don’t stay up too late… okay?”_

_Alex was too absorbed in his work to even listen. This is how it usually was for him. He’d tune every distraction out of his mind whenever he worked._

_Maybe this was why he didn’t hear the bathroom door creak open. Or why he didn’t hear the heaved breathing after it was closed._  


 

“H-He planned this. Last night he-” Alex clenched his fist “I ignored him-! How could I be so selfish!! I knew something was wrong! Why didn’t I do anything?!” His eyes watered as he grabbed his phone and sent out a text.

Herc shot him a worried glance “Alex? Who are you texting?”

“John of fucking course-!!”

“Do you really think he’ll answer?”

“You have a better idea?!”

Laf perked up “Nos amis! Maybe someone saw him!!”

Mulligan glanced over "Huh-?"

"We can text our friends and find out if they've seen him!"

They both froze. Herc grabbed his phone and immediately started texting all of his contacts, Alex presumably did the same. As they waited for anything other than a ‘I haven't seen him' text, Gilbert desperately called Washington.

“Père! Avez-vous vu John?!”

“Son? Calm down I can't understand French-”

“John-! Have you seen him?!”

“I saw him in lessons yesterday but I haven't seen him today. Why?”

“He’s gone! He's missing!”

“Are you sure? Sometimes you tend to be a bit dramatic-”

“HE IS DYING-!”

“Okay okay… Have you called the police… or an ambulance?”

“Yes, but we need to find him!”

“I'll ask some of the staff, and I can call you back if I find something-”

“Je vous remercie… Er… Thank you dad-”

“And son? Try to stay calm ok? You will find him…”

“I hope-”

Gilbert sighed and hung up the phone. “Washington said he’d check with the staff-"

Herc glanced up “Really?”

“Oui, he’ll call when he finds something.”

“If… If he finds something-” He corrected.

“I didn’t mistake my english. I said when.”

Herc nodded solemnly. As he continued to text their friends.

It was only silent for a few seconds before Alex growled. “Enough of this! If someone sees him they’ll text us, but I am NOT waiting around! I’ll search every inch of New York if I have to!” He promptly marched to the door and flung it open.

Before he could get far, Mulligan quickly grabbed his arm and pulled him back. “Alex-!"

He yelped and glanced back "What?!"

"Were you seriously going to leave without us?!”

Looking back at his two friends he mumbled under his breath. “Right…”

They each left the room, Alex could barely wait for them. Yet before long all three were walking through the halls of their college. Calling out John’s name almost as if they were looking for their lost dog.

They were searching for what felt like hours. In all actuality, they had only been looking for thirty minutes. Hamilton was growing more inpatient and desperate with each step they took. "I can't take this! How could he just disappear?! How has no one-"

He was interrupted by the sound of Gilbert's ring tone. They went dead quiet as he answered the call.

“DAD?! DID YOU FIND ANYTHING?!”

“Yes but, we don’t know it’s related to Laurens”

“WHAT IS IT-?!”

“Someone unlocked the roof door early this morning. None of the staff know who-”

“JE VOUS REMERCIE!!”

Laf quickly turned to the others “The roof! He might be there!!

Alex looked at the Frenchman, the tiniest glimmer of hope in his eyes. “You’d better be right about this-”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this chapter took so long to release! I was incredibly busy these past few weeks. I promise the next chapter will be out sooner. 
> 
> I do hope you enjoyed the chapter! All of the comments from when I last posted made me so happy, especially with this being my first published fanfic! So thank you guys!


	3. Plan B

John sat watching the New York horizon. The sun had long since risen and the bustling movement of the city was all he could see. Cars honking, people arguing, and dogs yapping at each other. Most people would see the noise as annoying jumbled sound, but he rather enjoyed watching it all. It let him escape all the scattered thoughts in his mind, even for a second. 

 

He then took this moment to glance below him, it was a hefty drop. Maybe now was the time to-

 

“DON’T YOU FUCKING DO IT-!”’Alex’s voice yelled out, causing John to almost slip off the ledge out of shock alone. He quickly turned back to see the three people who mattered most to him. They all looked terrified. 

 

Alex was already rushing to pull him off the ledge, this caused a panic yelp from his boyfriend “W-WAIT-!!”.

 

The shorter man froze in place as Gilbert stepped forward slightly. “Please…. please reconsider….-” The frenchman already had tears flowing down his face. He could barely talk through the sobs. 

 

John’s gaze shifted to Hercules. The man who could stay strong during anything, but that wasn’t what he looked like now. Right now he looked terrified. “Jacky… man, let’s just go get a drink… worry about this later-” He was trying to sound calm, but his tone came off as desperate. 

 

Lastly he focused on Alex, who stood completely still. His hair was a mess and he looked exhausted. This wasn’t unusual for him. No. What was unusual was the fear plastered on his face and the tears that streaked down his cheeks. What happened to the determination in his eyes? Or his cocky smile? This wasn't like him at all.

 

And that broke John completely.

 

He teared up and looked away, not willing to stare at his terrified friends any longer. He didn't want them to be here... but he wasn't going to let them take him away from his plan. 

 

“I… I'm sorry… for everything-”

 

He closed his eyes and took a sharp breath. Quickly, he pushed himself off the ledge. 

 

He didn't even fall an inch before he was grabbed by the waist and pulled back onto the roof. Alex was desperately clutching onto him. The others then quickly ran to help pull him farther from the ledge.

 

John didn't move as they dragged him farther and farther away from his escape. He just laid there in disbelief and depression. He was too weak to fight off his friends. Too weak to try again.

 

His friends were talking to him. He couldn't hear them. Everything was hazy and blurred. All the blood lost was really starting to affect him. 

 

They were shouting now. He heard alarms in the distance. It was so loud. He just wanted everything to go quiet. He needed the silence again. He needed that peacefulness, so desperately that he let himself slip into unconsciousness.

 

\--------------------

 

Alex wasn't thinking when he sprinted to save his boyfriend. With that said, it didn't occur to him how close he was to losing the one he loved.

 

Now his mind was racing as he held John’s unconscious body. There were hundreds of questions he needed answered; Did today even happen? Was he alive? Or more importantly;

 

“WHERE THE FUCK IS THE AMBULANCE?!” 

 

Herc nodded quickly “They should be here-! Downstairs at least…-” He spoke so quickly it was almost hard to understand.

 

“JE VAIS LES OBTENIR-!!” Gilbert rushed off to do as he said, leaving Mulligan without a clue of what just happened.

 

“What did he say?!”  

 

“He’s getting the paramedics! Now let's get John down there before-”

 

“Woah woah wait-! Alex he's… we’d only make it worse if we try to carry him down-”

 

“Okay well shut the hell up-!” The shorter man growled as he frantically tried lifting his boyfriend.

 

“Dude?!” Herc quickly helped Alex, who was in no way capable of carrying a man taller than himself. “We could make it worse-”

 

“But we could save him-! We need to save him!” 

 

Hamilton was beyond desperate. Logic wasn't even an option right now. Out of his millions of thoughts, all were focused on saving Laurens in anyway he could. 

 

Hercules sighed and glanced aside “Alex… Just think about this. For a second. If we try carrying him down the stairs, we could make things so much worse-”

 

“But we could get him to the medics faster-!” 

 

“They’ll be here any second- hurting him more wouldn't help anything-!”

 

“....-” He glanced aside and went quiet for once.

 

The silence was short lived as rushing footsteps became louder and louder until the paramedics rushed up to them. They both carefully loaded John onto the stretcher and began assessing the situation. Alex glanced at them and piped in

 

“B-Blood loss! Right? It has to be blood loss!!”

 

The paramedics only nodded slightly before quickly going down the stairs, causing a few students to glance over in utter shock. They carefully maneuvered around the building and to the ambulance that waited outside. Hamilton was already rushing behind them, practically begging them to say anything about John. The only answers he got were short and mentioned things he already knew. 

 

“Is he going to live?!” 

 

“He should, blood loss isn’t hard to treat-”

 

“He  _ should _ ?! What do you mean by that?!”

 

“It means that it depends on the timing. We still need to patch the wounds and replace the lost blood-” 

 

“How long will-” 

 

“Enough- I understand you’re worried, but we need to start heading to the hospital… unless you want things to get worse.”

 

The paramedics carefully loaded John into the vehicle. one climbed in the back with him as the other got to the front to drive. The engine started up as they raced out of the college with the alarms blaring. Alex could only watch helplessly as they drove further and further away from his sight. 

 

Before long, Lafayette softly grabbed him by the shoulder and gently tugged him.

 

“Alex-”

 

“They took him! I need to get to him! I-”

 

“We are going to the hospital now... -”

 

Hamilton looked at him then at the car that was driving up to him. He didn’t even respond before rushing into the car, Laf followed soon after. Hercules was already in the driver's seat. He carefully drove onto the main street and onto oncoming traffic. Slowly the vehicle made way to the nearest hospital. 

 

Silence was all that filled the car. It wasn’t until Hercules finally muttered the words everyone was thinking.

 

“Holy fuck… Did-.. Did that really just happen?”

 

Alex sighed and watched the traffic, god he hoped they made it in time. 

 

“Did we- did  _ I _ cause this?!” His voice was strained as he tried to hold it together. 

 

“Non petite lion- He..” Gilbert whined. He wanted to talk more, to comfort Alex, but the reality of everything was starting to set in. “He- He was probably stressed or-... Or-” 

 

Choked sobs filled the silence, but not from Lafayette but rather Alexander. 

 

“How could he?! How could he..!” he broke down, letting a mass of different emotions fill his head. He was so angry… but felt so guilty. Could he have made it better? All of them knew John could have rough days, but no one thought it had gotten this bad.

 

Gilbert quickly wrapped his arms around the shorter man and began crying himself. Hercules sighed. He couldn’t mask his worry, and it was spread across his face.

 

Needless to say, it was going to be a long ride.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took so long to publish! I'm the absolute worst at posting these at a regular rate. This kind of became sort of a vent fic, so I only really wrote it when I felt I needed to... Anyway, I can't promise when the last chapter will be done, but hopefully soon!
> 
> Thanks for reading this! It means a lot!


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